Dear Mommy Dearest

An Open Letter to All Mothers Who Find It Necessary to Bring Their Small Children Into Massage Rooms:

Dear Mommy Dearest,

First, let me say that I know I grew up in a simpler time when most mothers were "homemakers" and "had time" for their own full-time childcare. I was lucky enough to have one of those mothers (though I doubt I felt lucky at the time) who fed me regularly, restricted my television time, and put me to bed by 7 or 8 pm (even in the summer time when it was still light outside, curse the woman!) And I know that you probably have to work outside the home and suffer from the stresses of a modern world that taxes you in ways that women were never meant to be taxed (this letter is to you, after all, because as it is in laundry detergent commericials, men don't seem to figure much in this topic.)

But please, do whatever you can to avoid bringing your child to your massage, at least if the child is under ten, and incapable for any reason, of somehow amusing herself quietly and appropriately. Find a babysitter for two hours: your mother or mother-in-law, perhaps, as they are most likely to dote on your kids for free. Or a sister, a friend, an old widow lady down the street, a trustworthy teenager (whose own mother you know and so wouldn't dare misbehave.)

Why should you do this? Well, you may have learned to "tune out" your own child, but unfortunately, no one else has. If your child is banging a toy fire truck into the wall, other clients as well as your therapist might possibly be disturbed. If your child leaves the room and locks the rest of the office staff out while they are at lunch, people might get angry. If your little girl is crawling under the table and putting your bra on her head as a hat, while singing the Barney song, your therapist might not be able to concentrate and may even become nauseous (surely you don't want a strange woman throwing up on you.) If your little girl wails and sobs softly for the first 15 minutes, then holds her breath and releases it periodically for the rest of the session (punctuated with high-pitched farts), and it is 9 pm, your child is probably tired and hungry, and PROBABLY SHOULD BE AT HOME IN BED. Have you ever been stared at suspiciously by an angry child for an hour while you attempt to perform a skilled task? It's creepy, lady. It's just plain creepy.

If you miss your child's presence so much, just leave her at home and ask your therapist to bring her dog. I have a dog named Suki who will gladly jump on the table and attempt to lick your brain through your ear, bark at faint noises, chew your socks, and maybe even try to wear your bra as a hat. Because while good discipline might help, no force in nature is going to inable a two year old to sit motionless and quiet for an hour, unless that child is on animal tranks.

Thank you sincerely for listening: and please take this to heart. We will all have a better session without your child, God bless her cute little Gap-Baby-jeans-wearing butt.

Sincerely,

Your Hardworking LMP

PS: If you fit the above description, restaurant servers probably hate your guts: eat with one eye open.